CD 1

Well, AF showed up today... God is awesome! He really did a miracle this time. Called for my clearing u/s tomorrow on cd 2, my regular nurse is out of town. Not only did God bring on AF, he convinced me to call back after the message I left for my nurse was unanswered, and it was just in time, b/c they were about to stop taking calls! So they pulled my file and have me on the schedule for tomorrow. I trust God will have everything lined up for me. He really does care about me, and I don't know how I could doubt it.

I'm driving the hour drive for the u/s at 6:3o am in the rain on a lonely rural road. I hope I'm safe. God protect us all in this weather. Then, I leave in the afternoon for a work thing out of town that is a 2 hour drive, and I haven't driven it in a couple years so I hope I know the way. God will help me there also. I'm going to be away from DH on Valentine's Day for the first time. I'll miss him a lot. He really is the best DH I could ever ask for. God really blessed me with him and I'm very thankful.

cd 30, 16 dpiui

Well my friends, I'm not pregnant this time. I started to spot last night after lots of af cramps, called the nurse today and told her what's up. She said I don't have to go in for my beta hcg tomorrow as planned, just take a hpt and if negative, stop Prometrium and have af. I'm going out of town Wednesday afternoon. Lord, please, let af come ANY DAY but Wednesday! If it comes on Wednesday I will likely miss my cd 3 appointment and have to skip February. Then in March and April, DH will be out of town during the time we'd likely do our next IUI. Lord God please! Please let this work out. I want to be pregnant so bad!

Please God, in Jesus' Name!

12 dpiui

Today I went to my pcp b/c I've had this stupid cold/sinus infection for 6 weeks. I already did one course of antibiotics...time for round two. Lymph nodes are swollen, low fever...hope this doesn't mess me up.

Bbs are still sore today, more sensitive than they were. Have had normal twinges in abdomen today, but I also had more af-type cramps several times this evening. Hope that's good thing.

DH is acting really weird lately. Just very grumpy, says he's tired. But why is he more tired than usual? And why the crap is he snapping at me? I don't know what his problem is, but it's really starting to hurt my feelings.

11 dpiui, 13 days past trigger shot

Well, tomorrow the trigger shot should officially be out of my system, so if I test tomorrow and it's positive, it's most likely a true positive. HOWEVER, I don't plan to test tomorrow. I want to wait until at least Saturday morning. So I guess I'm about to move past my first mini-mark wrapping up this cycle. How will it end? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!! Now for my daily log of symptoms:

• bbs still sore and swollen. veins are very noticeable, nipples are more sensitive, seem darker, and tingle/itch off and on.
• Occasional abdominal/uterine/ovarian twinges, mostly on the right side.
• A streak of what I think was brown blood in panties. Implantation bleeding?
• Excess watery CM for several days now.
  
• Sinus/nasal issues. Nose very sensitive and sneezing a lot. Don't know if this has anything to do with it.

I really want to test but only have one test, and I don't have the money to get more. Unless we get the cheap ones....

10 dpiui

So...not too many symptoms today. Sore and swollen bbs as usual. A few cramps here and there...pretty moody this morning. I have terrible nasal congestion. I've sneezed so much today I don't know how my nose is still attached.

I'm wondering today if I'm pg? I figured the longer I went along the more symptoms I'd feel. Maybe this is just an "off" day. I really would like to be pg now. I think that I have peace with it, and look forward to a happy and healthy nine months. I know God will look out for me.

9dpiui

Time for my daily obsessing session. I'm sure those around me are glad that I'm doing most (I said MOST!) of it silently online. Symptoms today include slight irritability, some fatigue in the afternoon, breakout on my face, some more cramping and low back pain, and my bbs are more sore than they've been since the iui. So...there ya go. I want to test so bad, but I know it's nowhere near time, and I only have one test left and very limited funds at the moment. So, the guessing game continues.

I have been looking at some really cute maternity clothes. I hope I get to wear them soon!

8dpiui

Symptoms to date:

• Heartburn
• Headaches
• Extreme mood swings
• Mild cramping on and off
• Heavy, sore boobs
• Lower backache
• Last night at dinner, everything tasted funny
• Smell seems to be more sensitive
  

I had a dream last night that I took a hpt and got a bfp!! I hope that dream comes true!

6 dpiui

Some more cramping today, and boobs are more swollen and sensitive. Have been having some shooting pains in them today. I need to wait at least 8 more days before I take an hpt. Just trying to keep myself calm.

5dpo

Just wanted to note some symptoms, in case I am pg, I want to be able to look back and know what I was going through in the 2ww.

3-5 dpo: gassy, occasional twinges
5dpo: breasts swelling, cramping in the evening, fluttering in my heart.

3 dpo, 5 dpt

I don't what to say today, just wanted to say something. I started out ok with not testing, but seems like it's all I thought about today. And the obsessing of symptoms or the lack of them started today. I don't want a torturous 2ww. I want peace, and calm. I want to leisurely saunter into the Dr.'s office on Feb. 12, sit down for the bloodwork, and not have my heart race when I hear the phone ring with the results. I didn't want to test for myself before I went, but I guess I will the day before or the day of, just to prepare myself.

God, please give me peace and strength. In Jesus' Name.

IUI This Morning

DH and I went in for our first IUI this morning. His numbers were excellent - 94 million, what a show off - and the IUI went off without a hitch. The only discomfort was very mild cramping while the fluid was being injected into the uterus. I didn't think that I felt the catheter being inserted, but it turns out I did. It wasn't painful or even uncomfortable really, just an overall feeling in my body that something was up. It was an overwhelming sensation. I didn't know that was why until the Dr. said, "OK, it went in the cervix with no problem."

So in 2 days I start progesterone supplements until 17 days from today when I'll have my first blood test for pregnancy. I'm glad to have the supplements, b/c I think my miscarriage was the result of insufficient progesterone. I'm not sure if I will be able to keep myself from testing at home before the blood test. I hope I can. I'm ok today, pretty much my mind has not been on it.

We got back home around 11 am and I went in to take a nap. Well, the nap turned into a 6 hour sleep. I guess all these injections have taken their toll. I have a wicked headache now as I type.

I'm unusually calm. I pray God gives me peace no matter what the result of this procedure is.

IUI Ultrasound

So today is cd 10, and I went in this morning to see if I responded to my Femara/Follistim cycle. I did! If I recall correctly, I had at least two good follicles, one was 18mm and one was 16mm. I think another might have been 14 or so. So I was instructed to do another Follistim injection tonight just to make sure they get a little bigger, take an OPK in the morning. If positive, call and we'll schedule the IUI right then. If negative, I'm going to do my trigger shot tomorrow night at 10 pm, and my IUI will be at 9 am on Saturday. I'm excited, anxious, unsure...all emotions wrapped into one.

Before the miscarriage, I was so focused on the goal of getting pregnant, it consumed me. Now I'm wondering if I should have kids at all. I know, I know...it's a fine time to be wondering. I had a big ole freak out moment last night and had to get on my face and pray for peace. I know that whatever happens, God will prepare me and give me everything I need. With all the hormones racing through my body right now, I know that my little meltdown was probably just a hormone-induced frenzy, and that when I do find out I'm pregnant I'll be very happy. I pray that I'll be a good mother who raises her children to love the Lord our God with all their heart, mind, and strength. I pray for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, or babies! Praise God!

I started a blog somewhere else once...but I don't remember where. But I feel like it's important to track this journey I'm on, as others may be on it too. I want to remember it myself. I want to look back and see a map.

So, the biggest thing going on in my life is our journey to have a child. We started TTC (trying to conceive) in August of 2006. We made the decision while we were in Savannah, GA on vacation. I knew that there was a chance of infertility because I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). So after about 11 months of trying we were referred to Southeastern Fertility Center. They are awesome, by the way. Very personal, individualized treatment and caring staff. More on them as I blog, I'm sure.

So in August 10, 2007 Hubby and I had our first appointment at SEF. We did some initial testing, scheduled more blood tests, ultrasounds, and a hysterosalpingogram (HSG).

I had my HSG in September and, thank God, all was clear. Also, all my bloodwork and such says that I'm in good health. Just that I have PCOS. So we were planning on doing our first intrauterine insemination (IUI) in October. So, on cycle day (cd) 3 through 7 I took Letrozole to induce ovulation, and returned for another ultrasound on October 24. Well, the results were not promising. I had one little, tiny egg that was too small to really justify doing the procedure on, so we cancelled the procedure for that month. Needless to say I was devastated. I cried the whole hour ride back to work, and when I got there I took my work into an empty room so no one could see my pain. My nurse suggested that I use an ovulation predictor kit to see if I ovulated on my own, and we could TTC that month naturally. I held little hope for this, as I had not ovulated on my own in years due to the PCOS. But I tested anyway, and in less than a week from that appointment, I found out I was going to ovulate on my own!!

So, we TTC'ed on our own in October 2007 and prayed. About a week later, I wasn't feeling "right." I knew it was too early to test for pregnancy, so I waited and hoped. I thought I might have been dreaming up the symptoms. When it was finally time to test, I did....AND I WAS PREGNANT!! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!!

I called my nurse first thing the next morning to tell her and she arranged for me to have a series of 3 blood tests over the next 2 weeks to make sure my hormone levels were high enough. I couldn't wait!

I went for my first test on November 14. I anxiously awaited the news from the nurse. When I checked my voicemail, I could tell something was wrong from her voice. She said the levels were low, but not to worry, it could just be early. I thought, "Ok, I won't worry. It is still early." But I did worry, and had to leave work. I called my husband and my mom crying. I hadn't even told my mom yet, but I had to call her b/c I was so upset. She prayed with me and reassured me that it would be ok, and I tried to calm down.

Two days later I had another blood test, and my levels had not changed at all. Three days later, I lost my tiny little baby. Although I was only 5 weeks pregnant, I have never felt pain so real in my life. A part of me was lost, and I have never cried so long, and so hard. I can't describe what I felt...just that I thought I'd never be the same.

We decided to try again in December, but we couldn't do a fertility treatment that month b/c the day would fall on Christmas, and the center would be closed.

So, here we are in January and we're on our way to an IUI. I took 5 days of Letrozole, and this month we're adding 3 days of Follistim injections to help me eggs to mature properly and avoid what happened in October.

Tonight was my first Follistim injection, AND I DID IT MYSELF! I'm so proud :-) I've come a long way since I was a kid. I would burst into tears in the doctor's office at the mention of a needle. When I had my school shots, I was kicking so hard that the shot caused a huge knot on my thighs from tightening the muscle while the vaccine was injected. But tonight, I loaded up the cartridge, screwed on the needle, swabbed my leg with alcohol....and injected myself.

Wednesday, January 23 I go for another ultrasound to see how many of my eggies are ready to hatch. I pray that there will be enough, but not too many that we have to cancel the doggone procedure again. At that time, we'll schedule when I'm supposed to give myself a "trigger shot" to cause my eggs to release, and when I'll go in for my IUI. Then, hopefully a few weeks later, I'll be on here saying I'm having a baby!

I know this is a long blog, but for a "cyster" out there about to embark on this journey, this may help. I know I read a thousand accounts of IUIs and such to help educate myself about what I was getting ready to do.

God bless,